Archive for March, 2008

waiting game

March 26, 2008 at 7:32 pm · Filed under numero 2

I’m only 38 weeks, but yet I have started the waiting game.  I am so huge and uncomfortable that I can’t help but think he will come before his due date of April 5th.  But as others have warned, I should stay away from thinking that.  So I spend my days finishing up any last minute work stuff (and when you are a co-owner of a company, there is always stuff to do), and trying to catch up on any sleep.  Because I still have the dreaded insomnia.  I am wakeful for about 4 hours in the middle of the night.  Baby penis is awake then too, it seems.  Trying to move his chubby little knees around. 

And believe me, I know they are chubby knees.  Because did I mention I am HUGE?!!  No seriously, I am.  The midwives have tried to prepare me for a possible 10 lb baby.  I blame Matt, personally.  He was his mom’s smallest baby at over 10 lbs.  Crap crap CRAP!  I think I am comfortable with that number until I write it down.  And when I say to the midwives “how can I do this?  10 lbs???” they just smile and say “your body usually doesn’t get a baby that it can’t handle.”  I think I have mentioned before how zen-like and calm those damn midwives can be when I approach them with wild eyes and flailing arms trying to outline my anxieties to them.  I love them for their manner, I really do.  But fuckery.  Oh fuckery.  The largeness of this baby scares me.

Hey – totally unrelated topic (my prerogative because my pregnant brain is all over the place these days) did any of you out there use music in labour?  As in, listen to music that soothed you or got you to a good place?  I was thinking about it, and wondering about good music to use.  My bizarro brain right now keeps wanting to listen to Gary Jules’ version of Mad World.  Is that just too weird internets? 

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I can do this

March 18, 2008 at 3:00 am · Filed under numero 2

Even though Matt and I are 2nd time parents, we took a birth class again this time with this lovely lady.  With Alice, we knew we had to have a c-section by 20 weeks (large endometrioma cyst on my ovary that I have written about before).  So while we did attend the classes previously, I can’t say we really listened during the sections on things like oh ACTIVE LABOUR and TRANSITION and HOW THE FUCK YOU DEAL WITH PAIN. 

In case I have not mentioned it here, we have decided to try a VBAC this time around.  Yes, that VBAC.  The one that it is a vaginal-birth-after-c-section. The one that others I know have been successful at.  The one that at first seemed scary and out of reach,  and now feels like the right fit for me.

As part of the birth prep classes, we had to come up with a mantra that we could say to ourselves.  Over and over again.  Something to use in labour but also beforehand if we started getting anxious about the pending marathon.  And when it came time for me to come up with something, I suddenly felt and heard nothing else except “I can do this.”  Let me tell you – hearing myself speak these words is unbelievably empowering for me.  I can do this meaning I can do whatever it takes to bring this baby into this world.  And if that means labouring for too many hours only to find myself face up in an operation room again, dealing with a section, well so be it.  Or if that means riding out a painful labour with drugs instead of the drug-free natural birth I have hoped for, well then so be that too.  If it even means barfing into my husband’s hands while panicking during transition, then so fucking be it.  I will get through this.  I will have this baby.  I can do this.

I had a good day today.  A better day than I have been having lately.  I’ve been exhausted from the lack of sleep (pregnancy insomnia is literally kicking my ass) and generally weepy and uncomfortable.  But then a day like today comes along, where I get out of the house, and have a good visit with the midwives.  I have a good relationship with them, and we spend a good portion of my appointments laughing and enjoying each others’ company.  It makes me feel positive about the team who will help me bring this baby into the world.  Baby penis is now almost fully engaged, and although I am only 37 weeks I feel he is on his way SOON.  Instead of feeling completely anxious about the fact that everything is not done yet,  suddenly I have this calming sensation about his pending arrival.  I know I am bound to go through a rollarcoaster of different emotions once I hit labour and birth.  But for now, this feeling of WHAT IS THIS, HAPPY? is blowing my mind.

I can do this.

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down and out

March 14, 2008 at 10:33 pm · Filed under Uncategorized

I’m feeling down.  The kind of down you feel in the weeks before your baby arrives.  A mix of continued insomnia, not enough fresh air, and a considerable decrease in mobility is making me teary.  I’ve been trying to get the baby’s room ready, but there is only so much lifting I can manage.  I am officially on maternity leave as of this week, but when you are co-owner in the company you don’t feel the same separation from the workplace that you do when you work for someone else.  I think I just have to get out of my house more next week, and just really enjoy the time I have to myself before the baby shit hits the fan.  No pun intended.

Blech. Just a venting post more for me than anyone.

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I get by with considerable help from my friends

March 13, 2008 at 2:49 am · Filed under real human friends

Five years in, and I’m still amazed at how all consuming this parenting gig can be.  You would think by now I would have accepted and embraced the fact that I am someone’s everything.  Well, to be clear, her DAD and I are her everything – with Matt these days probably taking the majority of that everything, leaving me with the leftovers.  But regardless, somehow I have managed to become this all-consuming force in this child’s life.  A prospect that leaves me breathless, joyful, and downright terrified most of the time.

I manage to navigate through this mess of a mommyhood, however, with the help of some excellent women.  They are my windows to a reality check, a phone call to a laughing fit instead of a breakdown.  And during this second pregnancy, they have been invaluable sources of comfort and experience.  Last weekend, these lovely women threw me an excellent non-traditional baby shower to welcome the little penis who currently lives inside the uterus.  A good night at a local restaurant we tend to frequent in Leslieville here in Toronto.  Nothing over the top – no silly games or contrived platitudes.  They know me well, these women.

So Marla and Nadine, if you are reading this, thank you from the very bottom of my hormonal self.  You made this pregnant woman’s year. 

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