Even though Matt and I are 2nd time parents, we took a birth class again this time with this lovely lady. With Alice, we knew we had to have a c-section by 20 weeks (large endometrioma cyst on my ovary that I have written about before). So while we did attend the classes previously, I can’t say we really listened during the sections on things like oh ACTIVE LABOUR and TRANSITION and HOW THE FUCK YOU DEAL WITH PAIN.
In case I have not mentioned it here, we have decided to try a VBAC this time around. Yes, that VBAC. The one that it is a vaginal-birth-after-c-section. The one that others I know have been successful at. The one that at first seemed scary and out of reach, and now feels like the right fit for me.
As part of the birth prep classes, we had to come up with a mantra that we could say to ourselves. Over and over again. Something to use in labour but also beforehand if we started getting anxious about the pending marathon. And when it came time for me to come up with something, I suddenly felt and heard nothing else except “I can do this.” Let me tell you – hearing myself speak these words is unbelievably empowering for me. I can do this meaning I can do whatever it takes to bring this baby into this world. And if that means labouring for too many hours only to find myself face up in an operation room again, dealing with a section, well so be it. Or if that means riding out a painful labour with drugs instead of the drug-free natural birth I have hoped for, well then so be that too. If it even means barfing into my husband’s hands while panicking during transition, then so fucking be it. I will get through this. I will have this baby. I can do this.
I had a good day today. A better day than I have been having lately. I’ve been exhausted from the lack of sleep (pregnancy insomnia is literally kicking my ass) and generally weepy and uncomfortable. But then a day like today comes along, where I get out of the house, and have a good visit with the midwives. I have a good relationship with them, and we spend a good portion of my appointments laughing and enjoying each others’ company. It makes me feel positive about the team who will help me bring this baby into the world. Baby penis is now almost fully engaged, and although I am only 37 weeks I feel he is on his way SOON. Instead of feeling completely anxious about the fact that everything is not done yet, suddenly I have this calming sensation about his pending arrival. I know I am bound to go through a rollarcoaster of different emotions once I hit labour and birth. But for now, this feeling of WHAT IS THIS, HAPPY? is blowing my mind.
I can do this.