What I am about to say is not going to be popular. It might not resonate or sound reasonable to some of you. And some of you will probably dismiss this post as bad mommy judgement. But as this is my blog, here goes:
I miss work.
No, I mean I REALLY miss work. And I want to return to it – in a very real, “how can I make this happen” type of way.
I started maternity leave in early March, a month before baby boy was due. As most of you might know, here in Canada we get the reap the year-long combined maternity/parental leave benefits. And as some of you might know, I am co-owner of the company I work for. A year off is not really in the cards for me, as I will need to return before that to help my partner run the company.
I am slated to return full time in early 2009. But, but, but….that just seems so far away. I can’t wait that long. Aside from the very real demands that our company has, it’s also a personal need. A need to step inside my professional life again. But how can I feel this way so soon after his birth? I am so very conflicted.
I love my boy. I love his smile and how he tries to talk to me. I love holding his chubby little hands in mine and watching him watch me. He is a delight and I cherish these moments we have together. I know, from seeing my big five year girl leap her way towards six years old, that this time is fleeting. That someday soon I will turn around and think HOW did this baby become a toddler?
I also love my work. I love the strategy and conversation involved in my line of work. I love developing new ideas with my partner about the company and how we want it to work. I love seeing our ideas come to life and grow into something so satisfying. It’s rare to love your job these days, and I appreciate my luck in this regard.
I have many friends who are sad to see their maternity leave end. And I can understand that, I can. My time off with Alice was different, as I was working for someone else at the time and just about to start this new venture that has now turned into a most valuable partnership. This time around, I know how great it can be to have a balanced life of a satisfying job and quality time with my kids. I know that it is possible to structure a week of working “outside” and “inside” the home (god I hate those terms). And I know that I can still love and have a special relationship with my kids as much as anyone who chooses to stay home with their own.
i just don’t want to regret any decision i might make that could take me away from this beautiful baby.
A conflicted heart, am I.